19 Reasons Why I Hate Depression

19 Reasons Why I Hate Depression

I hate you……

  1. I hate you because you made me different, and not in the good way.
  2. I hate you because smiling and laughing became a chore.
  3. I hate you because you made me hate the sport I love more than anything.
  4. I hate you because you made me pull away from my friends.
  5. I hate you because you made me pull away from my family.
  6. I hate you because you made me hate everything and anything that brought me happiness.
  7. I hate you because you gave me an excuse to sleep all day.
  8. I hate you because you kept me awake all night.
  9. I hate you because you never let my mind stop thinking and feeling and hating and hurting.
  10. I hate you because you made me cut myself.
  11. I hate you because you made me actually feel like I was alone.
  12. I hate you because you had me thinking I was the problem, not the disease eating away at every good thought, memory, and relationship I had.
  13. I hate you because you made me hate myself.
  14. I hate you because you made me try to kill myself.
  15. I hate you because you still have me living in fear that I will fall victim to your games again.
  16. I hate you because you loved to see me cry.
  17. I hate you because for a time, I didn’t hate you; you were my excuse to do the unthinkable.
  18. I hate you because you had me convinced it was a bad idea to tell anyone what I was dealing with.
  19. I hate you because you turned good, happy people into one of your little puppets not only controlling their lives, but also destroying them.
  20. I appreciate you because you made me a strong, confident fighter who after years of suffering is able to enjoy the smallest joys in life and can assertively say, she would kick your ass if you tried to destroy her life again.

The Anniversary

The Anniversary

Nine years later and he still visits her every month on her “anniversary”

and every month, he cries as if it were the day she had to say goodbye.

It’s hard to see the person you love most in this world

ready to give up anything to be reunited with the person they love most in this world.

His love for her has never wavered, not in over sixty years

and I’m sure of that because I can still see the sadness in his eyes nine years later.

Death is something we all experience; death is inevitable

but that doesn’t make it any easier when you lose someone you love.

He has always visited her on the 22nd of each month

and he will continue to visit her on the 22nd of each month until he has to say goodbye.

He will continue to cry until he has no tears left,

he will continue to grieve until he no longer has a reason to grieve,

and his heart will continue to be broken until the day he takes his last breathe.

When he has no tears left, no reason to grieve, and a fixed heart full of joy,

it’ll be the day he decides to give up;

it’ll be the day he’ll know he’ll soon be reunited with the forever love of his life.

But that’s what terrifies me most

him giving up….

The thought of losing my everything,

the thought of losing the person I’ve always cared most for in this world

the thought of losing the person that saved me

from doing the one thing I’ve always truly wanted to do.

It was the sorrow in his eyes on the 22nd of every month

that kept me from making him cry every month on my anniversary.

It was the sorrow in his eyes that taught me to fight.

 

 

 

Why I Blog

Why I Blog

Why do people write blogs? School projects? To inform others? To inspire others? I know why I began to blog. This isn’t some dumb school project, I have nothing to inform others of, and I definitely don’t write to inspire people (I’m by no means inspirational). I mean I guess I could end up inspiring others but I’m using this blog as an outlet.

See I’m not an open book, in fact I’m that book ~closed~ at the bottom of the box, stuffed in the corner of the attic, collecting dust. I don’t tell anyone anything; I feel like it makes me too vulnerable and/or as soon as they find out my deepest darkest secrets, they’ll start to look at me differently. So all of that being said, I’m a reserved person and I don’t tell others my thoughts, so I write.

Yes I can write in journals, endless word documents, or any piece of scratch paper I can find (all of which I do by the way) but I still feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like someone needs to know my thoughts for me to feel better. Everything I’m writing down, remains for my eyes only so it’s still weighing me down; by writing this blog (with a hidden username so my friends can hopefully never discover it) I’m at least getting it out into the world with the possibility of someone reading it. Even if no one ever discovers my blog, it still has the potential to be discovered and I can’t explain why but that is more relieving to me then any of you will ever know.

And hey! Maybe one day I’ll be ready and just go balls out and inform the world (aka my friends) that I have this blog where I write down my most raw thoughts and darkest secrets. So that being said, if someone not only discovers my blog and also for some strange reason decides to read this post all the way to the end, well now you know why I decided to write a blog. I use it as an outlet because everyone deserves one.

My Forever 11:11 Wish

My Forever 11:11 Wish

I hate that you’re my 11:11 wish

Because despite everything, I want to believe I may be your 11:11 wish too

I hate that I crave you

Just one more kiss that will keep me in a summer haze during those cold winter nights

I hate that I’m hopeful

That maybe, just maybe if I wait long enough, you’ll realize you should have been with me all along

I hate that I want to embrace you,

And feel as if we are one as my body moves up and down with every breath that you take

I hate that I feel I still need you

Even though I know you’ve gotten along just fine without me

I hate that I believed in you

Because everyone else told me not to and now I see that they were right

I hate that I stuck up for you

Because now that I know everyone was right, I’m the one that looks like a fool

I hate that I don’t hate you.

I mean I should, you fucked me over just like you fuck her every weekend

I hate how you told me I’m beautiful

Because those simple words hit deep, making it that much more painful when I realized it was just something you said to get you and I alone in your room

I hate that you made me cry

Because now it proves these feelings are real and not just fleeting

I hate that you call me your best girl friend

Not because I know it isn’t true but because I want to be known as your girlfriend

I hate that after all the heartache you’ve put me through, I still want you

Every second of every day of every God damn week

I hate that you’re my 11:11 wish

Because despite everything, I want to believe I may be your 11:11 wish too