It was the end of December 2016, maybe 2, 3am California time. I wake up to the buzzing of my phone. Initially I think it was a text but the buzzing persists. It’s 5am in Florida and he knows I’m sleeping, what could he possibly want?
“Hello,” I say still half asleep.
“Oh hi, sorry did I wake you up?”
“Yeah, but it’s fine. Is everything okay?”
“I just had a really bad dream that you left me and didn’t want to ever talk to me again and I just needed to hear your voice. I needed to know it was okay .”
It’s now the beginning of June 2017. I had forgotten about that memory until about a week ago. A memory of you desperately craving me; a memory of me still hesitant to open my heart fully to the man who had become my best friend just a few months prior; most importantly a memory of you and me when we were still considered a you and me.
You ended it with me two months ago but I know I was the one that fucked it up. I gave you the reason to end it for good. I always had my insecurities, I always had my doubts, and I always had my fear. A deadly combination for any relationship. I let these insecurities, doubts, and fear get the best of both me and us. Now I’m left alone having greater regrets than I’ve ever had before. I guess that’s what happens when you fall in love for the first time in your life.
I understand why you ended it. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever be happy about it. I still don’t know when the pain will go away. I still don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like Megan is no longer one of my best friends, in large part to you. I want to hate you, I really do, so badly especially for what you did to Megan and I. But I can’t. I can’t hate you and I think it has to do with the fact that you were my best friend above anything. I feel like it would be hating a friend and not a lover (and I can’t believe I just used that term because I royally despise it — I can already envision you smirking at that thinking Typical.)
I think that’s why it still hurts so much though because you truly were my best friend. I saw something the other day about how a friend breakup is so much more painful than a boyfriend breakup and I relate to that on every possible level. I lost my best friend and not by choice.
The world was stacked against us, and we made it work for awhile but eventually the distance and complications of our relationship caught up to us. Although I feel like I was the only one that got hit and you were able to run on moving forward without missing a beat. I think a little part of me will always think you were the right guy at the wrong time.. I wonder if we’ll ever find out for certain. Maybe one day we’ll be “you and me” again, probably not. But hopefully a day even before that we’ll be friends again.
I know I’m the one that cut off communication but I hope you understand why I had/have to do that until I get over you just as I understand why you ended it for good. I do hope to talk again one day, I do hope we become friends again because we were so good at that, everyone saw it, and I refuse to believe this is how our story ends.