My Heart

My Heart

Four years ago, my strength was tested. It was a strength I had to find in myself that I didn’t know existed. I’ve channeled this strength time and time again over the years. It’s shaped who I am as a person, for better or for worse.

That being said, for about five years now I’ve thought about having to say my forever goodbye to the man who has had my heart since the day I was born, the most incredible man I know, my loving, generous, huge-hearted grandfather. This is a thought that I’ve never been able to bear. I can’t say goodbye to him, I just can’t.

This past January he turned 99. Amazing, right? I know. He was strong and healthy when I left back for school however now I’m home for the summer and I just know. He’s not nearly as strong as he was just a month ago, he has more “off” moments of spewing nonsense. I know he doesn’t have much longer.

A year ago, the mere thought of this would have me crying myself to sleep. But now I’m learning to accept this hard truth. I think he’ll last until after I leave in August, but not until I’m home in Christmas. That means when I say goodbye in a month, it’s going to have to be my forever goodbye. It breaks my heart in more pieces than I can count to, but I’m also strangely okay and I keep asking myself, “why?”

Part of it has to do with the fact that I know he’ll stop feeling guilty, will no longer be in pain, and he’ll be reunited with the forever love of his life, my grandma. Nonetheless, I also know that no way in hell would I be okay with accepting our forever goodbye if it wasn’t for this immense amount of strength I have required throughout my life. Given the experiences I’ve endured, have been opportunities for growing stronger. My life has given me these opportunities, however it was the strength that Gidu has instilled in me throughout my childhood that taught me to fight and take advantages of these chances to grow. Without him as my driving force to fight and find strength in the deepest part of my soul, I can whole-heartedly say I don’t think I’d be alive today.

I’m a new person today though than I was four years ago. I’m stronger, I’m confident, and I’m sure of myself. So even though I know in one month and whenever it is that he passes I’ll be torn to pieces-don’t talk to me for five days-not eating-not sleeping-not feeling-ball of numbness-hot fucking mess, I still know I’ll get through it. Without a doubt, losing him will be one of the hardest events I’ll ever have to endure in my entire life, but with the strength he has instilled in me thus far, I know I’ll come out stronger as ever. I love you, Gidu. More than you will ever know.

Is Suicide Selfish?

Is Suicide Selfish?

Do you think suicide is considered a selfish act? I don’t, however my opinion is bias because I have suffered from depression in the past and have attempted suicide. That being said, I still believe with my current healthy state of mind, my attempts to end my life were anything but selfish and here’s why:

Depression is an uncontrollable disease. Many people think the victims chose to end their own life, take matters into their own hands, control their fate but those people couldn’t be more wrong. The victims don’t make that decision… No the thing that makes the decision is the disease that has brainwashed them into hating their lives, convincing them the most rational option to ending their pain is ending their life.

It is easy for a rational person to say that suicide is selfish. I get where they are coming from, I really do. Those that leave us are leaving their loved ones to deal with the pain of them being gone. They think those who are depressed have given up and are tired of trying, which may be true but unless you have experienced severe depression that made you contemplate living, you can never understand the victim’s viewpoint. I wish I could try to explain it, however it is nearly impossible to convey that perspective. There are no words, there are no emotions because when you’re in that mindset, you feel nothing: you are empty. And let me tell you, I’d rather be devastated, bawling, feeling something than to feel empty ever again.

When people tell me they think suicide is selfish, I always ask them isn’t it selfish of us not just asking, but expecting them to live with their pain just to spare our own? Medicine, therapy, and the support of our family and friends may temporarily alleviate the hardships. However it is important rational people understand there is no escaping depression, it is the shadow that is constantly following you.

Depression is a disease, like cancer. When an individual successfully takes their own life, it is another way in which the disease wins. Unfortunately we lose loved ones to cancer everyday, yet when they pass away, it isn’t viewed as selfish… Because it isn’t! It is just another way the disease wins. A disease claiming it’s victim through suicide isn’t the conventional way most people believe in but that doesn’t make it any less true. Depression is a disease that makes you feel like your only option is giving up. This disease makes you hate everything so much after perpetually feeling empty that you just want to be happy again. You crave happiness, but it doesn’t matter what you say or what you do, you just can’t find it. Depression wins when it successfully convinces its sufferer that something irrational does in fact seem sensible and that is that death is the only viable answer.

Having depression is like drowning. You feel like there is no room to breathe and when you try to swim to the surface for air you end up getting pulled further and further down. And the worst part about depression is you see everyone up above, able to swim, able to breathe, able to survive but they don’t see you fighting the seemingly impossible. So to say suicide is selfish… Well frankly it’s ignorant. I will never agree with one’s decision to end their own life, however I will always understand it.

19 Reasons Why I Hate Depression

19 Reasons Why I Hate Depression

I hate you……

  1. I hate you because you made me different, and not in the good way.
  2. I hate you because smiling and laughing became a chore.
  3. I hate you because you made me hate the sport I love more than anything.
  4. I hate you because you made me pull away from my friends.
  5. I hate you because you made me pull away from my family.
  6. I hate you because you made me hate everything and anything that brought me happiness.
  7. I hate you because you gave me an excuse to sleep all day.
  8. I hate you because you kept me awake all night.
  9. I hate you because you never let my mind stop thinking and feeling and hating and hurting.
  10. I hate you because you made me cut myself.
  11. I hate you because you made me actually feel like I was alone.
  12. I hate you because you had me thinking I was the problem, not the disease eating away at every good thought, memory, and relationship I had.
  13. I hate you because you made me hate myself.
  14. I hate you because you made me try to kill myself.
  15. I hate you because you still have me living in fear that I will fall victim to your games again.
  16. I hate you because you loved to see me cry.
  17. I hate you because for a time, I didn’t hate you; you were my excuse to do the unthinkable.
  18. I hate you because you had me convinced it was a bad idea to tell anyone what I was dealing with.
  19. I hate you because you turned good, happy people into one of your little puppets not only controlling their lives, but also destroying them.
  20. I appreciate you because you made me a strong, confident fighter who after years of suffering is able to enjoy the smallest joys in life and can assertively say, she would kick your ass if you tried to destroy her life again.

The Anniversary

The Anniversary

Nine years later and he still visits her every month on her “anniversary”

and every month, he cries as if it were the day she had to say goodbye.

It’s hard to see the person you love most in this world

ready to give up anything to be reunited with the person they love most in this world.

His love for her has never wavered, not in over sixty years

and I’m sure of that because I can still see the sadness in his eyes nine years later.

Death is something we all experience; death is inevitable

but that doesn’t make it any easier when you lose someone you love.

He has always visited her on the 22nd of each month

and he will continue to visit her on the 22nd of each month until he has to say goodbye.

He will continue to cry until he has no tears left,

he will continue to grieve until he no longer has a reason to grieve,

and his heart will continue to be broken until the day he takes his last breathe.

When he has no tears left, no reason to grieve, and a fixed heart full of joy,

it’ll be the day he decides to give up;

it’ll be the day he’ll know he’ll soon be reunited with the forever love of his life.

But that’s what terrifies me most

him giving up….

The thought of losing my everything,

the thought of losing the person I’ve always cared most for in this world

the thought of losing the person that saved me

from doing the one thing I’ve always truly wanted to do.

It was the sorrow in his eyes on the 22nd of every month

that kept me from making him cry every month on my anniversary.

It was the sorrow in his eyes that taught me to fight.