Today I Had a Reason To Be Happy….

My 2016 New Year’s Resolution was to find a new reason of what made me happy every single day. 2016 was a good year. Often in life we tend to dwell on the negatives because it’s so much easier to pity one’s own problems than to rise above them and see how there are so many more positives that lie in front of us.

I’ve been in a slump for the past few months. I was focusing on one huge negative in my life that no amount of positives could equate to this “huge” negative. However recently, I’ve been digging myself out of this slump. I’m been focusing this negative energy into something more positive, more powerful, more meaningful!

As I choose to rise above, I found myself beginning to think about New Year’s Resolution and how beneficial it was to me. Many people don’t need a constant reminder of how their life is going splendidly, however I do as do many other people. Begin someone who has struggled with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts throughout my life, when I find myself in a good place in my life, staying in that good place doesn’t come as naturally. So having this constant task to think about all the potential wonderful, happy experiences I have throughout a single given day was a constant reminder to me about how worthy my life is.

So now I’m writing, nearly 8 months post-New Year’s Resolution and I want to right about what made me happy today;

July 24th, 2017

  • Today I had a reason to be happy: I went to work and I fell even more in love with these kids and being a camp counselor. When I’m working, nothing else matters. I am so removed from my life outside and all of my energy is solely focused on these kids and making them happy. Little do they know just how happy they are making me though.
  • Today I had another reason to be happy: I felt too sick to work out today (which isn’t what made me happy) and the crazy thing is I missed it!! I’m so happy that I found a new way to focus my energy that also keeps me healthy. While I’m working out, it’s not as enjoyable, but I feel so much healthier overall. It’s helping me grow mentally and physically stronger. So tomorrow I will work out, and I will be even more happy than I was today realizing I’m becoming one of “those” people that actually enjoys working out.
  • Today I had another reason to be happy: Gidu was up for three hours at lunch and two hours for dinner. This may not seem like anything to anyone else but I’m talking about a man who is usually out of bed no longer than 45 minutes at a time, three times a day. He’s getting stronger again and it swells my heart more than I can explain. I still don’t have high hopes to see him at Christmas but that man never ceases to amaze any of us. However if this is the last few weeks I get to spend with him, I’m glad I’ll be left with the lasting impression of him being strong until the end.

So today I had many reasons to be happy, and I’ll have many reasons tomorrow as well as the day after that. I’m disappointed in myself that I lost sight in this fundamental idea that drove my life for an entire year. Yet like everything else, I’ll learn from it and just maybe it will involve turning this New Year’s Resolution into a lifelong daily routine. Now I ask you: what was your reason to be happy today?

My Heart

My Heart

Four years ago, my strength was tested. It was a strength I had to find in myself that I didn’t know existed. I’ve channeled this strength time and time again over the years. It’s shaped who I am as a person, for better or for worse.

That being said, for about five years now I’ve thought about having to say my forever goodbye to the man who has had my heart since the day I was born, the most incredible man I know, my loving, generous, huge-hearted grandfather. This is a thought that I’ve never been able to bear. I can’t say goodbye to him, I just can’t.

This past January he turned 99. Amazing, right? I know. He was strong and healthy when I left back for school however now I’m home for the summer and I just know. He’s not nearly as strong as he was just a month ago, he has more “off” moments of spewing nonsense. I know he doesn’t have much longer.

A year ago, the mere thought of this would have me crying myself to sleep. But now I’m learning to accept this hard truth. I think he’ll last until after I leave in August, but not until I’m home in Christmas. That means when I say goodbye in a month, it’s going to have to be my forever goodbye. It breaks my heart in more pieces than I can count to, but I’m also strangely okay and I keep asking myself, “why?”

Part of it has to do with the fact that I know he’ll stop feeling guilty, will no longer be in pain, and he’ll be reunited with the forever love of his life, my grandma. Nonetheless, I also know that no way in hell would I be okay with accepting our forever goodbye if it wasn’t for this immense amount of strength I have required throughout my life. Given the experiences I’ve endured, have been opportunities for growing stronger. My life has given me these opportunities, however it was the strength that Gidu has instilled in me throughout my childhood that taught me to fight and take advantages of these chances to grow. Without him as my driving force to fight and find strength in the deepest part of my soul, I can whole-heartedly say I don’t think I’d be alive today.

I’m a new person today though than I was four years ago. I’m stronger, I’m confident, and I’m sure of myself. So even though I know in one month and whenever it is that he passes I’ll be torn to pieces-don’t talk to me for five days-not eating-not sleeping-not feeling-ball of numbness-hot fucking mess, I still know I’ll get through it. Without a doubt, losing him will be one of the hardest events I’ll ever have to endure in my entire life, but with the strength he has instilled in me thus far, I know I’ll come out stronger as ever. I love you, Gidu. More than you will ever know.

My Bucket List: 21 Things I Have Yet to Do

  1. Go Ziplining
  2. Leave the country
  3. Fall in love with the right guy
  4. Find my purpose
  5. Graduate college
  6. Decide which direction I want my career to be in
  7. Learn to be completely vulnerable to a spouse. No facade. No pushing away. No snarky comments. 100% vulnerable and loving and open even if its so far out of my comfort zone.
  8. Become a role model for someone
  9. Swim with sharks
  10. Scuba dive in The Great Coral Reefs
  11. Fly in a hot hair balloon
  12. Learn how to surf (even though I’m from the beach and should probably already know how to do this…. this also means I must overcome my fear of the water lol)
  13. Become a mom
  14. Ride an elephant
  15. Talk to a serial killer (while they are obtained. I know this is sadistic but this is one of my possible career paths so hop off!)
  16. Find a reason every day for the rest of my life to be happy
  17. Go to every state in America
  18. Never stop reading books
  19. Never stop learning new things
  20. Own a home (which has a library filled with all kinds of books)
  21. Learn how to play the piano