The Fuckboy

The Fuckboy

Us girls grew up watching movies where the main actress always fell in love with the asshole and she continuously failed to see The Other Guy standing by her side. This Other Guy, he was such a good guy. He could care for the girl like no one else could and love her more than she thought was capable. As a viewer, it was infuriating watching because that never happens, we always recognize the good guys who deserve our love when we see them… Or so I thought.

I have a good guy. He cares about me. He treats me well. He wants to spoil me although I don’t let him. God he’s such a good guy. And the thing is I want to like him so badly. I want to return those feelings he has expressed so deeply for me but the truth of the matter is, another guy has my heart. And he doesn’t even know it…. But maybe he does?

This guy is no good guy: he is textbook definition of “a fuckboy.” He plays with my emotions and maybe he does know he holds the combination to the safe hiding the key to unlock the chains that have forever surrounded my heart. So why do I like this Fuckboy? Why do I like him when I have that Other Guy, The Nice Guy vying for my attention? I have told myself countless times, rationally speaking who is better to have feelings for (Spoiler alert: it’s The Nice Guy). But all those cliches I’ve learned since before I can even remember keep replaying in the back of my head: Ultimately, I have to have trust in what my heart is feeling and forget about what my head is trying to piece together.

My heart is telling me The Fuckboy makes me laugh. My heart is telling me The Fuckboy gives me butterflies. My heart is telling me I would rather love The Fuckboy with every ounce of my being even if it ended in my heart being broken more than it’s every been broken before. I’m willing to be vulnerable for him and open my heart up to him if he gives me the chance.

I have this chance with The Nice Guy but the difference is I don’t want this chance with him. Like I’ve said, I want to like him so badly but at the end of the day I have to be honest with myself and the truth is we just don’t mesh well as a couple.

One day I will find a man that makes me laugh and makes me want to love like The Fuckboy but he will also love me more than I ever thought capable like The Other Guy. I will find another Other Guy one day and he’s going to make me happier than I’ve ever been in my life and I can’t wait for that day. But in the meantime, I can’t wait for the journey to find him, even if it means breaking hearts and getting my heart broken.