Today I Had a Reason To Be Happy….

My 2016 New Year’s Resolution was to find a new reason of what made me happy every single day. 2016 was a good year. Often in life we tend to dwell on the negatives because it’s so much easier to pity one’s own problems than to rise above them and see how there are so many more positives that lie in front of us.

I’ve been in a slump for the past few months. I was focusing on one huge negative in my life that no amount of positives could equate to this “huge” negative. However recently, I’ve been digging myself out of this slump. I’m been focusing this negative energy into something more positive, more powerful, more meaningful!

As I choose to rise above, I found myself beginning to think about New Year’s Resolution and how beneficial it was to me. Many people don’t need a constant reminder of how their life is going splendidly, however I do as do many other people. Begin someone who has struggled with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts throughout my life, when I find myself in a good place in my life, staying in that good place doesn’t come as naturally. So having this constant task to think about all the potential wonderful, happy experiences I have throughout a single given day was a constant reminder to me about how worthy my life is.

So now I’m writing, nearly 8 months post-New Year’s Resolution and I want to right about what made me happy today;

July 24th, 2017

  • Today I had a reason to be happy: I went to work and I fell even more in love with these kids and being a camp counselor. When I’m working, nothing else matters. I am so removed from my life outside and all of my energy is solely focused on these kids and making them happy. Little do they know just how happy they are making me though.
  • Today I had another reason to be happy: I felt too sick to work out today (which isn’t what made me happy) and the crazy thing is I missed it!! I’m so happy that I found a new way to focus my energy that also keeps me healthy. While I’m working out, it’s not as enjoyable, but I feel so much healthier overall. It’s helping me grow mentally and physically stronger. So tomorrow I will work out, and I will be even more happy than I was today realizing I’m becoming one of “those” people that actually enjoys working out.
  • Today I had another reason to be happy: Gidu was up for three hours at lunch and two hours for dinner. This may not seem like anything to anyone else but I’m talking about a man who is usually out of bed no longer than 45 minutes at a time, three times a day. He’s getting stronger again and it swells my heart more than I can explain. I still don’t have high hopes to see him at Christmas but that man never ceases to amaze any of us. However if this is the last few weeks I get to spend with him, I’m glad I’ll be left with the lasting impression of him being strong until the end.

So today I had many reasons to be happy, and I’ll have many reasons tomorrow as well as the day after that. I’m disappointed in myself that I lost sight in this fundamental idea that drove my life for an entire year. Yet like everything else, I’ll learn from it and just maybe it will involve turning this New Year’s Resolution into a lifelong daily routine. Now I ask you: what was your reason to be happy today?

My Poland Princess

Dear Sarah,

You’ve been one of my best friends since the beginning of college. Your endless puns, curly hair I can spot all the way from McBryde to East Cam, and your infectious smile are only a few of the reasons I love you.

Although, I think it’s no secret to you and definitely not a secret to me that the relationship we had with one another, never quite compared to the relationship each of us have/had with Megan. Don’t get me wrong, I will forever consider you, Megan, and Hoolia my people, however we all know that if each of us had to pick one, you and I would have both pick Megan.

That all changed Junior year. I drifted away from Megan. A lot. Between my friendship with Ale which would later give rise to my insecurities and then jealousy or finally realizing major differences between Megan and I, I no longer considered her my “it girl.” She was no longer the girl I considered to be my future maid of honor, she was no longer the person I told everything to, and she was no longer the person I wanted to spend every free minute with. It breaks my heart a little, but in the long run I know it was for the better.

I was always comfortable being by myself, however now I have found peace with it. I stepped away from my relationship with Megan, as did she with me, but I felt like in the end, I was able to grow so much closer with you and Hoolia. I even grew closer with Lucas and Charles, God Bless my soul. I found people that put me back together whenever I felt like I was falling apart, and frankly Megan was no longer that person, she hasn’t been for a long time.

I have found solace in my current situations and I am still that same girl who is confident in who she is. I am full of emotions and happy with my overall life. I am not afraid to speak my mind and I’m not afraid speak a hard truth. I am Mallory K. and I am so proud to be that girl every single day.

However I still feel like a piece of me is missing or lost. There’s this void inside of me, specifically in my heart, and I just don’t know what to do. My heart hurts from losing two of my best friends, one of which was a first love, and it’s just a void I don’t know how to fill again. And I feel like I’m going slowly insane. You’re probably wondering why I am writing this and how it all pertains to you? Well I’m getting there.

You see the reason I’m telling you all this is because you are the one still keeping me sane. Our mindless texting that persists for days and days is reminding me that because of the hardships I have endured, our relationship has surpassed anything it’s ever been before and I’m so grateful for that. We are closer and more honest with one another than ever before and I know our relationship will only keep growing stronger.

I’m not naive to the fact that you would still consider Megan your person amongst us four and that’s okay. I take no offense. However I do want you to know that today, I would pick you. In heartbreak and lost friends, I have to believe there is always a silver lining — and to me, that silver lining is you so thank you. Thank you for all you are and all you have yet to be. I love you endlessly.

Sincerely,

Your Favorite Tall Gal from Cal

 

Treat Yo Self & Buy a Book

In my opinion reading is one of the greatest past times. I will read any book or every book (although I do have a soft spot for authors like Jodi Picoult and Sarah Dessen who focus on self-discovery through everyday hardships all the while including just a hinge of romance). My only ‘must’ when reading a book is that I’m holding an actual copy rather than a digital copy. There’s just something about holding a book in my hands, personally flipping page after page (rather than mindlessly swiping left as if I was merely on Tinder)… When I feel the pages between my fingers, it’s like my touch brings life to these characters and they step out of the book. I feel what they feel, I understand what they’re going through, I become immersed into their lives and slowly they become my friends too, reading every detail along side me.

It’s crazy I know, but reading an lively story on such an inanimate object (phone, tablet, computer…), it just feels like I’m doing the author and myself such a injustice. This characters that are so delicately crafted no longer come to life with the swipe of my finger, but rather they feel trapped within the constraints of the device. I don’t sympathize, I don’t understand, they don’t become my friends. On these devices I read to say I read. But when I read a real life book, I read to forget about my life for a little bit (and whatever might be worrying me that day) and I get thrown into these characters lives learning the same lessons as them. And the fact that some of these authors do just that, and so elegantly is some pretty powerful stuff in my opinion. Reading is one of the greatest past times, I just wish more people did it rather get caught up in the insignificance’s of social media or whatever else their phone has to offer.

My Bucket List: 21 Things I Have Yet to Do

  1. Go Ziplining
  2. Leave the country
  3. Fall in love with the right guy
  4. Find my purpose
  5. Graduate college
  6. Decide which direction I want my career to be in
  7. Learn to be completely vulnerable to a spouse. No facade. No pushing away. No snarky comments. 100% vulnerable and loving and open even if its so far out of my comfort zone.
  8. Become a role model for someone
  9. Swim with sharks
  10. Scuba dive in The Great Coral Reefs
  11. Fly in a hot hair balloon
  12. Learn how to surf (even though I’m from the beach and should probably already know how to do this…. this also means I must overcome my fear of the water lol)
  13. Become a mom
  14. Ride an elephant
  15. Talk to a serial killer (while they are obtained. I know this is sadistic but this is one of my possible career paths so hop off!)
  16. Find a reason every day for the rest of my life to be happy
  17. Go to every state in America
  18. Never stop reading books
  19. Never stop learning new things
  20. Own a home (which has a library filled with all kinds of books)
  21. Learn how to play the piano

Is Suicide Selfish?

Is Suicide Selfish?

Do you think suicide is considered a selfish act? I don’t, however my opinion is bias because I have suffered from depression in the past and have attempted suicide. That being said, I still believe with my current healthy state of mind, my attempts to end my life were anything but selfish and here’s why:

Depression is an uncontrollable disease. Many people think the victims chose to end their own life, take matters into their own hands, control their fate but those people couldn’t be more wrong. The victims don’t make that decision… No the thing that makes the decision is the disease that has brainwashed them into hating their lives, convincing them the most rational option to ending their pain is ending their life.

It is easy for a rational person to say that suicide is selfish. I get where they are coming from, I really do. Those that leave us are leaving their loved ones to deal with the pain of them being gone. They think those who are depressed have given up and are tired of trying, which may be true but unless you have experienced severe depression that made you contemplate living, you can never understand the victim’s viewpoint. I wish I could try to explain it, however it is nearly impossible to convey that perspective. There are no words, there are no emotions because when you’re in that mindset, you feel nothing: you are empty. And let me tell you, I’d rather be devastated, bawling, feeling something than to feel empty ever again.

When people tell me they think suicide is selfish, I always ask them isn’t it selfish of us not just asking, but expecting them to live with their pain just to spare our own? Medicine, therapy, and the support of our family and friends may temporarily alleviate the hardships. However it is important rational people understand there is no escaping depression, it is the shadow that is constantly following you.

Depression is a disease, like cancer. When an individual successfully takes their own life, it is another way in which the disease wins. Unfortunately we lose loved ones to cancer everyday, yet when they pass away, it isn’t viewed as selfish… Because it isn’t! It is just another way the disease wins. A disease claiming it’s victim through suicide isn’t the conventional way most people believe in but that doesn’t make it any less true. Depression is a disease that makes you feel like your only option is giving up. This disease makes you hate everything so much after perpetually feeling empty that you just want to be happy again. You crave happiness, but it doesn’t matter what you say or what you do, you just can’t find it. Depression wins when it successfully convinces its sufferer that something irrational does in fact seem sensible and that is that death is the only viable answer.

Having depression is like drowning. You feel like there is no room to breathe and when you try to swim to the surface for air you end up getting pulled further and further down. And the worst part about depression is you see everyone up above, able to swim, able to breathe, able to survive but they don’t see you fighting the seemingly impossible. So to say suicide is selfish… Well frankly it’s ignorant. I will never agree with one’s decision to end their own life, however I will always understand it.

19 Reasons Why I Hate Depression

19 Reasons Why I Hate Depression

I hate you……

  1. I hate you because you made me different, and not in the good way.
  2. I hate you because smiling and laughing became a chore.
  3. I hate you because you made me hate the sport I love more than anything.
  4. I hate you because you made me pull away from my friends.
  5. I hate you because you made me pull away from my family.
  6. I hate you because you made me hate everything and anything that brought me happiness.
  7. I hate you because you gave me an excuse to sleep all day.
  8. I hate you because you kept me awake all night.
  9. I hate you because you never let my mind stop thinking and feeling and hating and hurting.
  10. I hate you because you made me cut myself.
  11. I hate you because you made me actually feel like I was alone.
  12. I hate you because you had me thinking I was the problem, not the disease eating away at every good thought, memory, and relationship I had.
  13. I hate you because you made me hate myself.
  14. I hate you because you made me try to kill myself.
  15. I hate you because you still have me living in fear that I will fall victim to your games again.
  16. I hate you because you loved to see me cry.
  17. I hate you because for a time, I didn’t hate you; you were my excuse to do the unthinkable.
  18. I hate you because you had me convinced it was a bad idea to tell anyone what I was dealing with.
  19. I hate you because you turned good, happy people into one of your little puppets not only controlling their lives, but also destroying them.
  20. I appreciate you because you made me a strong, confident fighter who after years of suffering is able to enjoy the smallest joys in life and can assertively say, she would kick your ass if you tried to destroy her life again.