My Heart

My Heart

Four years ago, my strength was tested. It was a strength I had to find in myself that I didn’t know existed. I’ve channeled this strength time and time again over the years. It’s shaped who I am as a person, for better or for worse.

That being said, for about five years now I’ve thought about having to say my forever goodbye to the man who has had my heart since the day I was born, the most incredible man I know, my loving, generous, huge-hearted grandfather. This is a thought that I’ve never been able to bear. I can’t say goodbye to him, I just can’t.

This past January he turned 99. Amazing, right? I know. He was strong and healthy when I left back for school however now I’m home for the summer and I just know. He’s not nearly as strong as he was just a month ago, he has more “off” moments of spewing nonsense. I know he doesn’t have much longer.

A year ago, the mere thought of this would have me crying myself to sleep. But now I’m learning to accept this hard truth. I think he’ll last until after I leave in August, but not until I’m home in Christmas. That means when I say goodbye in a month, it’s going to have to be my forever goodbye. It breaks my heart in more pieces than I can count to, but I’m also strangely okay and I keep asking myself, “why?”

Part of it has to do with the fact that I know he’ll stop feeling guilty, will no longer be in pain, and he’ll be reunited with the forever love of his life, my grandma. Nonetheless, I also know that no way in hell would I be okay with accepting our forever goodbye if it wasn’t for this immense amount of strength I have required throughout my life. Given the experiences I’ve endured, have been opportunities for growing stronger. My life has given me these opportunities, however it was the strength that Gidu has instilled in me throughout my childhood that taught me to fight and take advantages of these chances to grow. Without him as my driving force to fight and find strength in the deepest part of my soul, I can whole-heartedly say I don’t think I’d be alive today.

I’m a new person today though than I was four years ago. I’m stronger, I’m confident, and I’m sure of myself. So even though I know in one month and whenever it is that he passes I’ll be torn to pieces-don’t talk to me for five days-not eating-not sleeping-not feeling-ball of numbness-hot fucking mess, I still know I’ll get through it. Without a doubt, losing him will be one of the hardest events I’ll ever have to endure in my entire life, but with the strength he has instilled in me thus far, I know I’ll come out stronger as ever. I love you, Gidu. More than you will ever know.

My Poland Princess

Dear Sarah,

You’ve been one of my best friends since the beginning of college. Your endless puns, curly hair I can spot all the way from McBryde to East Cam, and your infectious smile are only a few of the reasons I love you.

Although, I think it’s no secret to you and definitely not a secret to me that the relationship we had with one another, never quite compared to the relationship each of us have/had with Megan. Don’t get me wrong, I will forever consider you, Megan, and Hoolia my people, however we all know that if each of us had to pick one, you and I would have both pick Megan.

That all changed Junior year. I drifted away from Megan. A lot. Between my friendship with Ale which would later give rise to my insecurities and then jealousy or finally realizing major differences between Megan and I, I no longer considered her my “it girl.” She was no longer the girl I considered to be my future maid of honor, she was no longer the person I told everything to, and she was no longer the person I wanted to spend every free minute with. It breaks my heart a little, but in the long run I know it was for the better.

I was always comfortable being by myself, however now I have found peace with it. I stepped away from my relationship with Megan, as did she with me, but I felt like in the end, I was able to grow so much closer with you and Hoolia. I even grew closer with Lucas and Charles, God Bless my soul. I found people that put me back together whenever I felt like I was falling apart, and frankly Megan was no longer that person, she hasn’t been for a long time.

I have found solace in my current situations and I am still that same girl who is confident in who she is. I am full of emotions and happy with my overall life. I am not afraid to speak my mind and I’m not afraid speak a hard truth. I am Mallory K. and I am so proud to be that girl every single day.

However I still feel like a piece of me is missing or lost. There’s this void inside of me, specifically in my heart, and I just don’t know what to do. My heart hurts from losing two of my best friends, one of which was a first love, and it’s just a void I don’t know how to fill again. And I feel like I’m going slowly insane. You’re probably wondering why I am writing this and how it all pertains to you? Well I’m getting there.

You see the reason I’m telling you all this is because you are the one still keeping me sane. Our mindless texting that persists for days and days is reminding me that because of the hardships I have endured, our relationship has surpassed anything it’s ever been before and I’m so grateful for that. We are closer and more honest with one another than ever before and I know our relationship will only keep growing stronger.

I’m not naive to the fact that you would still consider Megan your person amongst us four and that’s okay. I take no offense. However I do want you to know that today, I would pick you. In heartbreak and lost friends, I have to believe there is always a silver lining — and to me, that silver lining is you so thank you. Thank you for all you are and all you have yet to be. I love you endlessly.

Sincerely,

Your Favorite Tall Gal from Cal

 

Untitled: An Unfinished Story

Untitled: An Unfinished Story

It was the end of December 2016, maybe 2, 3am California time. I wake up to the buzzing of my phone. Initially I think it was a text but the buzzing persists. It’s 5am in Florida and he knows I’m sleeping, what could he possibly want?

“Hello,” I say still half asleep.

“Oh hi, sorry did I wake you up?”

“Yeah, but it’s fine. Is everything okay?”

“I just had a really bad dream that you left me and didn’t want to ever talk to me again and I just needed to hear your voice. I needed to know it was okay .”

It’s now the beginning of June 2017. I had forgotten about that memory until about a week ago. A memory of you desperately craving me; a memory of me still hesitant to open my heart fully to the man who had become my best friend just a few months prior; most importantly a memory of you and me when we were still considered a you and me.

You ended it with me two months ago but I know I was the one that fucked it up. I gave you the reason to end it for good. I always had my insecurities, I always had my doubts, and I always had my fear. A deadly combination for any relationship. I let these insecurities, doubts, and fear get the best of both me and us. Now I’m left alone having greater regrets than I’ve ever had before. I guess that’s what happens when you fall in love for the first time in your life.

I understand why you ended it. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever be happy about it. I still don’t know when the pain will go away. I still don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like Megan is no longer one of my best friends, in large part to you. I want to hate you, I really do, so badly especially for what you did to Megan and I. But I can’t. I can’t hate you and I think it has to do with the fact that you were my best friend above anything. I feel like it would be hating a friend and not a lover (and I can’t believe I just used that term because I royally despise it — I can already envision you smirking at that thinking Typical.)

I think that’s why it still hurts so much though because you truly were my best friend. I saw something the other day about how a friend breakup is so much more painful than a boyfriend breakup and I relate to that on every possible level. I lost my best friend and not by choice.

The world was stacked against us, and we made it work for awhile but eventually the distance and complications of our relationship caught up to us. Although I feel like I was the only one that got hit and you were able to run on moving forward without missing a beat. I think a little part of me will always think you were the right guy at the wrong time.. I wonder if we’ll ever find out for certain. Maybe one day we’ll be “you and me” again, probably not. But hopefully a day even before that we’ll be friends again.

I know I’m the one that cut off communication but I hope you understand why I had/have to do that until I get over you just as I understand why you ended it for good. I do hope to talk again one day, I do hope we become friends again because we were so good at that, everyone saw it, and I refuse to believe this is how our story ends.

19 Reasons Why I Hate Depression

19 Reasons Why I Hate Depression

I hate you……

  1. I hate you because you made me different, and not in the good way.
  2. I hate you because smiling and laughing became a chore.
  3. I hate you because you made me hate the sport I love more than anything.
  4. I hate you because you made me pull away from my friends.
  5. I hate you because you made me pull away from my family.
  6. I hate you because you made me hate everything and anything that brought me happiness.
  7. I hate you because you gave me an excuse to sleep all day.
  8. I hate you because you kept me awake all night.
  9. I hate you because you never let my mind stop thinking and feeling and hating and hurting.
  10. I hate you because you made me cut myself.
  11. I hate you because you made me actually feel like I was alone.
  12. I hate you because you had me thinking I was the problem, not the disease eating away at every good thought, memory, and relationship I had.
  13. I hate you because you made me hate myself.
  14. I hate you because you made me try to kill myself.
  15. I hate you because you still have me living in fear that I will fall victim to your games again.
  16. I hate you because you loved to see me cry.
  17. I hate you because for a time, I didn’t hate you; you were my excuse to do the unthinkable.
  18. I hate you because you had me convinced it was a bad idea to tell anyone what I was dealing with.
  19. I hate you because you turned good, happy people into one of your little puppets not only controlling their lives, but also destroying them.
  20. I appreciate you because you made me a strong, confident fighter who after years of suffering is able to enjoy the smallest joys in life and can assertively say, she would kick your ass if you tried to destroy her life again.

The Anniversary

The Anniversary

Nine years later and he still visits her every month on her “anniversary”

and every month, he cries as if it were the day she had to say goodbye.

It’s hard to see the person you love most in this world

ready to give up anything to be reunited with the person they love most in this world.

His love for her has never wavered, not in over sixty years

and I’m sure of that because I can still see the sadness in his eyes nine years later.

Death is something we all experience; death is inevitable

but that doesn’t make it any easier when you lose someone you love.

He has always visited her on the 22nd of each month

and he will continue to visit her on the 22nd of each month until he has to say goodbye.

He will continue to cry until he has no tears left,

he will continue to grieve until he no longer has a reason to grieve,

and his heart will continue to be broken until the day he takes his last breathe.

When he has no tears left, no reason to grieve, and a fixed heart full of joy,

it’ll be the day he decides to give up;

it’ll be the day he’ll know he’ll soon be reunited with the forever love of his life.

But that’s what terrifies me most

him giving up….

The thought of losing my everything,

the thought of losing the person I’ve always cared most for in this world

the thought of losing the person that saved me

from doing the one thing I’ve always truly wanted to do.

It was the sorrow in his eyes on the 22nd of every month

that kept me from making him cry every month on my anniversary.

It was the sorrow in his eyes that taught me to fight.

 

 

 

Why I Blog

Why I Blog

Why do people write blogs? School projects? To inform others? To inspire others? I know why I began to blog. This isn’t some dumb school project, I have nothing to inform others of, and I definitely don’t write to inspire people (I’m by no means inspirational). I mean I guess I could end up inspiring others but I’m using this blog as an outlet.

See I’m not an open book, in fact I’m that book ~closed~ at the bottom of the box, stuffed in the corner of the attic, collecting dust. I don’t tell anyone anything; I feel like it makes me too vulnerable and/or as soon as they find out my deepest darkest secrets, they’ll start to look at me differently. So all of that being said, I’m a reserved person and I don’t tell others my thoughts, so I write.

Yes I can write in journals, endless word documents, or any piece of scratch paper I can find (all of which I do by the way) but I still feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like someone needs to know my thoughts for me to feel better. Everything I’m writing down, remains for my eyes only so it’s still weighing me down; by writing this blog (with a hidden username so my friends can hopefully never discover it) I’m at least getting it out into the world with the possibility of someone reading it. Even if no one ever discovers my blog, it still has the potential to be discovered and I can’t explain why but that is more relieving to me then any of you will ever know.

And hey! Maybe one day I’ll be ready and just go balls out and inform the world (aka my friends) that I have this blog where I write down my most raw thoughts and darkest secrets. So that being said, if someone not only discovers my blog and also for some strange reason decides to read this post all the way to the end, well now you know why I decided to write a blog. I use it as an outlet because everyone deserves one.

My Forever 11:11 Wish

My Forever 11:11 Wish

I hate that you’re my 11:11 wish

Because despite everything, I want to believe I may be your 11:11 wish too

I hate that I crave you

Just one more kiss that will keep me in a summer haze during those cold winter nights

I hate that I’m hopeful

That maybe, just maybe if I wait long enough, you’ll realize you should have been with me all along

I hate that I want to embrace you,

And feel as if we are one as my body moves up and down with every breath that you take

I hate that I feel I still need you

Even though I know you’ve gotten along just fine without me

I hate that I believed in you

Because everyone else told me not to and now I see that they were right

I hate that I stuck up for you

Because now that I know everyone was right, I’m the one that looks like a fool

I hate that I don’t hate you.

I mean I should, you fucked me over just like you fuck her every weekend

I hate how you told me I’m beautiful

Because those simple words hit deep, making it that much more painful when I realized it was just something you said to get you and I alone in your room

I hate that you made me cry

Because now it proves these feelings are real and not just fleeting

I hate that you call me your best girl friend

Not because I know it isn’t true but because I want to be known as your girlfriend

I hate that after all the heartache you’ve put me through, I still want you

Every second of every day of every God damn week

I hate that you’re my 11:11 wish

Because despite everything, I want to believe I may be your 11:11 wish too