My Heart

My Heart

Four years ago, my strength was tested. It was a strength I had to find in myself that I didn’t know existed. I’ve channeled this strength time and time again over the years. It’s shaped who I am as a person, for better or for worse.

That being said, for about five years now I’ve thought about having to say my forever goodbye to the man who has had my heart since the day I was born, the most incredible man I know, my loving, generous, huge-hearted grandfather. This is a thought that I’ve never been able to bear. I can’t say goodbye to him, I just can’t.

This past January he turned 99. Amazing, right? I know. He was strong and healthy when I left back for school however now I’m home for the summer and I just know. He’s not nearly as strong as he was just a month ago, he has more “off” moments of spewing nonsense. I know he doesn’t have much longer.

A year ago, the mere thought of this would have me crying myself to sleep. But now I’m learning to accept this hard truth. I think he’ll last until after I leave in August, but not until I’m home in Christmas. That means when I say goodbye in a month, it’s going to have to be my forever goodbye. It breaks my heart in more pieces than I can count to, but I’m also strangely okay and I keep asking myself, “why?”

Part of it has to do with the fact that I know he’ll stop feeling guilty, will no longer be in pain, and he’ll be reunited with the forever love of his life, my grandma. Nonetheless, I also know that no way in hell would I be okay with accepting our forever goodbye if it wasn’t for this immense amount of strength I have required throughout my life. Given the experiences I’ve endured, have been opportunities for growing stronger. My life has given me these opportunities, however it was the strength that Gidu has instilled in me throughout my childhood that taught me to fight and take advantages of these chances to grow. Without him as my driving force to fight and find strength in the deepest part of my soul, I can whole-heartedly say I don’t think I’d be alive today.

I’m a new person today though than I was four years ago. I’m stronger, I’m confident, and I’m sure of myself. So even though I know in one month and whenever it is that he passes I’ll be torn to pieces-don’t talk to me for five days-not eating-not sleeping-not feeling-ball of numbness-hot fucking mess, I still know I’ll get through it. Without a doubt, losing him will be one of the hardest events I’ll ever have to endure in my entire life, but with the strength he has instilled in me thus far, I know I’ll come out stronger as ever. I love you, Gidu. More than you will ever know.

My Poland Princess

Dear Sarah,

You’ve been one of my best friends since the beginning of college. Your endless puns, curly hair I can spot all the way from McBryde to East Cam, and your infectious smile are only a few of the reasons I love you.

Although, I think it’s no secret to you and definitely not a secret to me that the relationship we had with one another, never quite compared to the relationship each of us have/had with Megan. Don’t get me wrong, I will forever consider you, Megan, and Hoolia my people, however we all know that if each of us had to pick one, you and I would have both pick Megan.

That all changed Junior year. I drifted away from Megan. A lot. Between my friendship with Ale which would later give rise to my insecurities and then jealousy or finally realizing major differences between Megan and I, I no longer considered her my “it girl.” She was no longer the girl I considered to be my future maid of honor, she was no longer the person I told everything to, and she was no longer the person I wanted to spend every free minute with. It breaks my heart a little, but in the long run I know it was for the better.

I was always comfortable being by myself, however now I have found peace with it. I stepped away from my relationship with Megan, as did she with me, but I felt like in the end, I was able to grow so much closer with you and Hoolia. I even grew closer with Lucas and Charles, God Bless my soul. I found people that put me back together whenever I felt like I was falling apart, and frankly Megan was no longer that person, she hasn’t been for a long time.

I have found solace in my current situations and I am still that same girl who is confident in who she is. I am full of emotions and happy with my overall life. I am not afraid to speak my mind and I’m not afraid speak a hard truth. I am Mallory K. and I am so proud to be that girl every single day.

However I still feel like a piece of me is missing or lost. There’s this void inside of me, specifically in my heart, and I just don’t know what to do. My heart hurts from losing two of my best friends, one of which was a first love, and it’s just a void I don’t know how to fill again. And I feel like I’m going slowly insane. You’re probably wondering why I am writing this and how it all pertains to you? Well I’m getting there.

You see the reason I’m telling you all this is because you are the one still keeping me sane. Our mindless texting that persists for days and days is reminding me that because of the hardships I have endured, our relationship has surpassed anything it’s ever been before and I’m so grateful for that. We are closer and more honest with one another than ever before and I know our relationship will only keep growing stronger.

I’m not naive to the fact that you would still consider Megan your person amongst us four and that’s okay. I take no offense. However I do want you to know that today, I would pick you. In heartbreak and lost friends, I have to believe there is always a silver lining — and to me, that silver lining is you so thank you. Thank you for all you are and all you have yet to be. I love you endlessly.

Sincerely,

Your Favorite Tall Gal from Cal

 

Treat Yo Self & Buy a Book

In my opinion reading is one of the greatest past times. I will read any book or every book (although I do have a soft spot for authors like Jodi Picoult and Sarah Dessen who focus on self-discovery through everyday hardships all the while including just a hinge of romance). My only ‘must’ when reading a book is that I’m holding an actual copy rather than a digital copy. There’s just something about holding a book in my hands, personally flipping page after page (rather than mindlessly swiping left as if I was merely on Tinder)… When I feel the pages between my fingers, it’s like my touch brings life to these characters and they step out of the book. I feel what they feel, I understand what they’re going through, I become immersed into their lives and slowly they become my friends too, reading every detail along side me.

It’s crazy I know, but reading an lively story on such an inanimate object (phone, tablet, computer…), it just feels like I’m doing the author and myself such a injustice. This characters that are so delicately crafted no longer come to life with the swipe of my finger, but rather they feel trapped within the constraints of the device. I don’t sympathize, I don’t understand, they don’t become my friends. On these devices I read to say I read. But when I read a real life book, I read to forget about my life for a little bit (and whatever might be worrying me that day) and I get thrown into these characters lives learning the same lessons as them. And the fact that some of these authors do just that, and so elegantly is some pretty powerful stuff in my opinion. Reading is one of the greatest past times, I just wish more people did it rather get caught up in the insignificance’s of social media or whatever else their phone has to offer.

Untitled: An Unfinished Story

Untitled: An Unfinished Story

It was the end of December 2016, maybe 2, 3am California time. I wake up to the buzzing of my phone. Initially I think it was a text but the buzzing persists. It’s 5am in Florida and he knows I’m sleeping, what could he possibly want?

“Hello,” I say still half asleep.

“Oh hi, sorry did I wake you up?”

“Yeah, but it’s fine. Is everything okay?”

“I just had a really bad dream that you left me and didn’t want to ever talk to me again and I just needed to hear your voice. I needed to know it was okay .”

It’s now the beginning of June 2017. I had forgotten about that memory until about a week ago. A memory of you desperately craving me; a memory of me still hesitant to open my heart fully to the man who had become my best friend just a few months prior; most importantly a memory of you and me when we were still considered a you and me.

You ended it with me two months ago but I know I was the one that fucked it up. I gave you the reason to end it for good. I always had my insecurities, I always had my doubts, and I always had my fear. A deadly combination for any relationship. I let these insecurities, doubts, and fear get the best of both me and us. Now I’m left alone having greater regrets than I’ve ever had before. I guess that’s what happens when you fall in love for the first time in your life.

I understand why you ended it. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever be happy about it. I still don’t know when the pain will go away. I still don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like Megan is no longer one of my best friends, in large part to you. I want to hate you, I really do, so badly especially for what you did to Megan and I. But I can’t. I can’t hate you and I think it has to do with the fact that you were my best friend above anything. I feel like it would be hating a friend and not a lover (and I can’t believe I just used that term because I royally despise it — I can already envision you smirking at that thinking Typical.)

I think that’s why it still hurts so much though because you truly were my best friend. I saw something the other day about how a friend breakup is so much more painful than a boyfriend breakup and I relate to that on every possible level. I lost my best friend and not by choice.

The world was stacked against us, and we made it work for awhile but eventually the distance and complications of our relationship caught up to us. Although I feel like I was the only one that got hit and you were able to run on moving forward without missing a beat. I think a little part of me will always think you were the right guy at the wrong time.. I wonder if we’ll ever find out for certain. Maybe one day we’ll be “you and me” again, probably not. But hopefully a day even before that we’ll be friends again.

I know I’m the one that cut off communication but I hope you understand why I had/have to do that until I get over you just as I understand why you ended it for good. I do hope to talk again one day, I do hope we become friends again because we were so good at that, everyone saw it, and I refuse to believe this is how our story ends.

My Bucket List: 21 Things I Have Yet to Do

  1. Go Ziplining
  2. Leave the country
  3. Fall in love with the right guy
  4. Find my purpose
  5. Graduate college
  6. Decide which direction I want my career to be in
  7. Learn to be completely vulnerable to a spouse. No facade. No pushing away. No snarky comments. 100% vulnerable and loving and open even if its so far out of my comfort zone.
  8. Become a role model for someone
  9. Swim with sharks
  10. Scuba dive in The Great Coral Reefs
  11. Fly in a hot hair balloon
  12. Learn how to surf (even though I’m from the beach and should probably already know how to do this…. this also means I must overcome my fear of the water lol)
  13. Become a mom
  14. Ride an elephant
  15. Talk to a serial killer (while they are obtained. I know this is sadistic but this is one of my possible career paths so hop off!)
  16. Find a reason every day for the rest of my life to be happy
  17. Go to every state in America
  18. Never stop reading books
  19. Never stop learning new things
  20. Own a home (which has a library filled with all kinds of books)
  21. Learn how to play the piano

The Fuckboy

The Fuckboy

Us girls grew up watching movies where the main actress always fell in love with the asshole and she continuously failed to see The Other Guy standing by her side. This Other Guy, he was such a good guy. He could care for the girl like no one else could and love her more than she thought was capable. As a viewer, it was infuriating watching because that never happens, we always recognize the good guys who deserve our love when we see them… Or so I thought.

I have a good guy. He cares about me. He treats me well. He wants to spoil me although I don’t let him. God he’s such a good guy. And the thing is I want to like him so badly. I want to return those feelings he has expressed so deeply for me but the truth of the matter is, another guy has my heart. And he doesn’t even know it…. But maybe he does?

This guy is no good guy: he is textbook definition of “a fuckboy.” He plays with my emotions and maybe he does know he holds the combination to the safe hiding the key to unlock the chains that have forever surrounded my heart. So why do I like this Fuckboy? Why do I like him when I have that Other Guy, The Nice Guy vying for my attention? I have told myself countless times, rationally speaking who is better to have feelings for (Spoiler alert: it’s The Nice Guy). But all those cliches I’ve learned since before I can even remember keep replaying in the back of my head: Ultimately, I have to have trust in what my heart is feeling and forget about what my head is trying to piece together.

My heart is telling me The Fuckboy makes me laugh. My heart is telling me The Fuckboy gives me butterflies. My heart is telling me I would rather love The Fuckboy with every ounce of my being even if it ended in my heart being broken more than it’s every been broken before. I’m willing to be vulnerable for him and open my heart up to him if he gives me the chance.

I have this chance with The Nice Guy but the difference is I don’t want this chance with him. Like I’ve said, I want to like him so badly but at the end of the day I have to be honest with myself and the truth is we just don’t mesh well as a couple.

One day I will find a man that makes me laugh and makes me want to love like The Fuckboy but he will also love me more than I ever thought capable like The Other Guy. I will find another Other Guy one day and he’s going to make me happier than I’ve ever been in my life and I can’t wait for that day. But in the meantime, I can’t wait for the journey to find him, even if it means breaking hearts and getting my heart broken.

The Anniversary

The Anniversary

Nine years later and he still visits her every month on her “anniversary”

and every month, he cries as if it were the day she had to say goodbye.

It’s hard to see the person you love most in this world

ready to give up anything to be reunited with the person they love most in this world.

His love for her has never wavered, not in over sixty years

and I’m sure of that because I can still see the sadness in his eyes nine years later.

Death is something we all experience; death is inevitable

but that doesn’t make it any easier when you lose someone you love.

He has always visited her on the 22nd of each month

and he will continue to visit her on the 22nd of each month until he has to say goodbye.

He will continue to cry until he has no tears left,

he will continue to grieve until he no longer has a reason to grieve,

and his heart will continue to be broken until the day he takes his last breathe.

When he has no tears left, no reason to grieve, and a fixed heart full of joy,

it’ll be the day he decides to give up;

it’ll be the day he’ll know he’ll soon be reunited with the forever love of his life.

But that’s what terrifies me most

him giving up….

The thought of losing my everything,

the thought of losing the person I’ve always cared most for in this world

the thought of losing the person that saved me

from doing the one thing I’ve always truly wanted to do.

It was the sorrow in his eyes on the 22nd of every month

that kept me from making him cry every month on my anniversary.

It was the sorrow in his eyes that taught me to fight.